me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
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6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
When I said I liked it rough.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.