Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
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Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
The prophecy is fulfilled
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
In Canada they just call them geese
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor