Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
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The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.