Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
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police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap