Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
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I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.