Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
and now we wait
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.