COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives