I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
You Might Also Like
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled