They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.