This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
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‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Wait a minute…
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.