pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
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FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?