me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.