My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
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If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Good morning!
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”