I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
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*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault