Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
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*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!