You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
You Might Also Like
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.