While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo