Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple