*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
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I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.