Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
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Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*