Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
watergate? u mean a dam??
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this