her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
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My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Mission: Impossible
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Yoga Matt
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
quarantine day 3
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy