merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?