I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
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Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.