Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
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Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No