In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
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what the
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
next level snooze
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.