I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
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The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Challenge accepted.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.