I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times