An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
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I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha