no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
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Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp