So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
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[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Meow?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No