The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I need a headline like this
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice