I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
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Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin