Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
OH. COME. ON.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Damn he played himself
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever