I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.