A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
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I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”