Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
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so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”