If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
You Might Also Like
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
😍😂🥰😂😍
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
This kinda thing happens to me often
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Feels
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it