Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Mhm.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
put ‘er there pardner!
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office