inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
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Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.