Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
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My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.