You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Sooo many times…..
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.