Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
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We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.