i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
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Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
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I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.