Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire