The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
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My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer