I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Wish all of my viruses were this polite