Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
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Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?