“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
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[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me