mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
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Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
😆this is so true
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.